Does Closure Exist?
9
FEBRUARY, 2018
All Things Tami
Divorce Insights
“You mean he can just walk away from our marriage and not tell me why?”
This was a question I asked my therapist several times during the initial stages of my divorce. And, I’ll admit, one I still ask a full four years after the entire mess was final. Having to repeatedly ask this question means I never found closure after my 23 year marriage ended.
Closure – for me it was a mythical creature just as elusive Bigfoot, unicorns and mermaids. So elusive in fact, I sometimes questioned its very existence.
“You’ll be better off without me.”
My ex-husband gave no explanation for wanting to end our marriage, unless you count him repeatedly stating, “I’m not happy.” I was supposed to be OK him giving up on us, but I wasn’t. I wanted to know, in detail, why he wasn’t happy. When I would push him for more information or ask him why he thought the only option was divorce, he would respond with, “I’m doing you a favor” or “You’ll be better off without me.”
It’s taken me several years to figure this out, but he was right – on both counts.
Coming to terms with him filing for divorce with what seemed like zero regard for me, didn’t come easy. I was constantly looking for answers where there were none. I was constantly hunting for Closure.
The biggest lesson I had to learn? When it comes to divorce, closure isn’t something you are given – you need to create your own version it. Full resolution of the situation rarely happens. You’ll need to take what you can get when it comes to a sense of finally being free and go with it!
Chapter Eight of my book Becoming Unmarried covers closure in depth and how I was able to track down three of Closure’s companions: Comfort, Peace and Solitude. Once I became comfortable with those three amigos, knowing Closure was probably nearby became good enough for me.
And more importantly, if Hell does indeed freeze over and my ex-husband is given the opportunity to tell me, in detail, why he ended our marriage… I’m not sure I want or need to hear his excuses.
Maybe I have found Closure after all.
Quick – someone put me in touch with the Finding Bigfoot people – in case I’m on a roll when it comes to tracking down mythical creatures!
A Little Tact, Please
Hey, we all disagree from time to time. But since this is my little universe, I reserve the right to remove comments that are mean-spirited or contain verbal violence. Divorce discussion can get passionate and that’s okay. But let’s keep it classy and help one another instead of hurting one another. For full details on how things work here, see Rules of the Game.
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You are so awesome! I do not suppose I’ve truly read something like that before.
So great to find somebody with a few unique thoughts on this subject.
Seriously.. thanks for starting this up. This website is
one thing that’s needed on the web, someone with a bit of originality!
Make a more new posts please 🙂
___
Sanny
Wonderful blog you have here but I was curious if you knew of any forums that cover the same topics discussed
here? I’d really like to be a part of community where
I can get responses from other knowledgeable individuals that share the same
interest. If you have any suggestions, please let me know.
Thanks a lot!
Thanks for reading! I agree, this does act more as an online journal, but I also hope people like to read it an follow me on my journey post divorce. There are many divorce care groups on Facebook and other forms of social media. If you search groups and look for divorce care or divorce support, you can choose the groups you want to join; depending on whether you want public or private groups. Take care!
I think that he wanted to screw women in their 20’s without cheating anymore and hurting your feelings so he left. He may have already caught HIV and did not want to give it to you.
Thanks for reading! As I had been married for a long time, I’m still in touch with some of his family, so I know HIV isn’t an issue. Also, I knew many of the women he was with and their 20s were a long time ago! 🙂 Post-Divorce emotions often take over and we find ourselves developing our own versions of events, especially if we don’t get our questions answered. But after long marriages, sometimes family and friends are so entwined, that we end up getting regular updates on our former spouses… which isn’t necessarily a good thing. I’ve learned to take these updates in stride and just keep moving forward!