Does Closure Exist?



All Things Tami
Divorce Insights

“You mean he can just walk away from our marriage and not tell me why?”

This was a question I asked my therapist several times during the initial stages of my divorce. And, I’ll admit, one I still ask a full four years after the entire mess was final. Having to repeatedly ask this question means I never found closure after my 23 year marriage ended.

Closure – for me it was a mythical creature just as elusive Bigfoot, unicorns and mermaids. So elusive in fact, I sometimes questioned its very existence.

“You’ll be better off without me.”

My ex-husband gave no explanation for wanting to end our marriage, unless you count him repeatedly stating, “I’m not happy.” I was supposed to be OK him giving up on us, but I wasn’t. I wanted to know, in detail, why he wasn’t happy. When I would push him for more information or ask him why he thought the only option was divorce, he would respond with, “I’m doing you a favor” or “You’ll be better off without me.”

It’s taken me several years to figure this out, but he was right – on both counts.

Coming to terms with him filing for divorce with what seemed like zero regard for me, didn’t come easy. I was constantly looking for answers where there were none. I was constantly hunting for Closure.

The biggest lesson I had to learn? When it comes to divorce, closure isn’t something you are given – you need to create your own version it. Full resolution of the situation rarely happens. You’ll need to take what you can get when it comes to a sense of finally being free and go with it!

Chapter Eight of my book Becoming Unmarried covers closure in depth and how I was able to track down three of Closure’s companions: Comfort, Peace and Solitude. Once I became comfortable with those three amigos, knowing Closure was probably nearby became good enough for me.

And more importantly, if Hell does indeed freeze over and my ex-husband is given the opportunity to tell me, in detail, why he ended our marriage… I’m not sure I want or need to hear his excuses.

Maybe I have found Closure after all.

Quick – someone put me in touch with the Finding Bigfoot people – in case I’m on a roll when it comes to tracking down mythical creatures!


A Little Tact, Please

Hey, we all disagree from time to time. But since this is my little universe, I reserve the right to remove comments that are mean-spirited or contain verbal violence. Divorce discussion can get passionate and that’s okay. But let’s keep it classy and help one another instead of hurting one another.  For full details on how things work here, see Rules of the Game.